i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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