I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dick very happy bro
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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