All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
