I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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