Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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