Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
