I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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