U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
