if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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