does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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