it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Your cock deserves a montage
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
