Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
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