You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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