They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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