he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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