the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
