Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
