Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
