I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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