My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
