Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize