Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
