Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
