Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
