I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
