When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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