My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
