Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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