You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
