I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
