you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
