Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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