What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
