Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
