I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My feet surprised me
im on a boat
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