How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
