You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
