Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
