Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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