Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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