Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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