i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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