college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
