I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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