I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
