she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
