Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
