you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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