***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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