Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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