Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
