friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Someone shattered a urinal.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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