your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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