hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
