The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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