do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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